Merry Christmas :-)

Merry Christmas love muffins!  Sitting here in my cozy bed listening to the cold KY rain pound on the tin roof of my bedroom, right out the window I have a view of the garden that has died for the winter, and the barn with 4 horses that are trying to stay warm.  Puppies are snuggled in my bed, Otis Redding is singing to me, wearing my cozy fleece PJ's that my gams made for me a few Christmas ago.  Today was a good day, spent my first Christmas EVER with my dad and his children (my siblings).  There was music, announcements of babies, laughter, moonshine, and happiness.  Definitely miss my mom and family in Indiana today, and my grandma- but this was my year with my dad and it's been a long time coming.  Everything was good, except for this intense stomach pain I've had for the last few days.  Feeling better, I'm certain the shine helped lol.. A friend said today 'It will cure what ells ye'

It's been quite a year.  Highlights of the year:  Secured residency and businesses in both KY and AZ, lost a shit ton of weight and actually surpassed the goal I set for myself (yes, been working on this one for two years), found my new puppy Farrah Faucet on the front porch.  Lots of doors have opened, and lots of doors have closed.  I think I've finally learned to get my foot out the damn door.. I always seem to be the one holding on to a certain extent, and trying to keep bridges from burning.  Not just with relationships, but friendships too.  I've learned that sometimes it feels good to let a bridge burn, and there are reasons for separation and reasons we grow apart.  I had a friend challenge me this year and say… Tiffany you always need everything to be okay, always need everyone to have peace.  (which mind you I really thought was a good quality of mine.. the fact that I have  worked hard not to be bad terms with my x's, don't have enemies etc).  Her point took a while to set in, and I still am mostly in a place of peace and resolution, or at least ending things on good terms with closure and love and leaving doors open… but in some cases healing can't happen until doors are closed.  People can't move on with their lives.

I found myself single for the first time this spring since I was (seriously) 15 years old.  I have been in 4 long term relationships, the shortest being 3 years.  Still getting used to flying solo, but mostly I've had so much fun!  More than anything I've made some really good friends.  Something that in the past has felt difficult, having a successful relationship with my partner and still feeling free to 'let my light shine' and interact as MYSELF with the world around me.  I have always seemed to adjust for people, which is to be expected when building life with someone but I'm overly accommodating in this fashion.  Traditional committed relationships are bitter sweet in my experience.  it feels soooo good to feel that intense love and connection with someone, knowing they are your 'person in the world', snuggling on the couch, being the only person in a crowded room.. but then at some point I think I realized, there are so many beautiful people and things to experience in a crowded room, and being sucked into someones reality where only the two of you exist can become so stale and gray, lacking the color and beauty that is EVERYWHERE when I simply allow myself to experience it.  Lately there have been times where I have found myself a little standoffish, and have had this 'I DO WHAT I WANT' attitude.  I've found myself running in the other direction when I feel a little spark, and genuine and perhaps 'deeper' attraction to people.  I'm pretty sure I've pushed a couple of potentially interesting opportunities away with my 'I really don't care about you at all I'm not going to be your girlfriend, ever' attitude.  So looking forward, next year I hope to still stay single and enjoy life as I have, but to be OPEN to love again.  I hope to attract people into my life with the same sort of free spirit that I feel, compassion, and genuine desire to enjoy and appreciate the beauty around us together and apart :-)  Without jealousy, without judgement.  Love is around me everywhere, I have great friends, I am not lonely.  And damn!  I have been so loved in my life <3  just unpacked my new room in Arizona and found a box of cards from all of my great loves in life.  it was interesting and eye opening reading back through those cards.  new perspective on old flames, makes me appreciate the beauty that I experienced and love that helped me grow.

I am back to work tomorrow, so excited to reconnect with my clients here in KY!  I should have possession of my new car by the end of the week.  YES!  Tomorrow I'm headed to Curt's to work on music with the guys.  Finally going to get back into this music thing- it's been 4 years since I have been in a 'band' and I am looking forward to making music with these boys.  I fly back to AZ at the end of January, and Tobi, Amy, Sin Wagon and I are all loading into Tobarooski's car and driving to LA for the voice auditions.  I am excited to finally have my ducks in a row in both places, and ready to jump back into some sort of a routine and put my love time and attention into my PASSION where it belongs.

Heading into 2013 I hope to evolve deeper into my true self, write the music that I hear in my head everyday, and love with my whole heart the world around me.  <3

It's been a while since I posted a music video to my youtube, so tonight I thought it would be fun to get my family to sing a christmas song.  This is how it turned it out haha

As always, I'll end with a quote.  This is a from a friend earlier in the week haha

emotions aren't always something you can just turn off....gotta start hooking up with either ugly guys or jerks

(I thought this one was super sweet)  Your light is so bright I think it even blinds YOU at times.  But you couldn't turn it off even if you wanted to, so stop trying.

Merry Christmas loves <3

Tiff